I've been debating sharing this for a while, but in the end I know I'm not alone and if you read this and feel less alone, too, then that's all that counts.
You see, I struggle with anxiety and OCD. Not a crazy lot, but enough to really effect my life at times. Since these are things I've always struggled with it can be hard to recognize or even put into words. It's even harder to imagine that people often don't feel some of the same things I do.
Last week I was talking to an acquaintance at Corban's t-ball game and had the usual 'overwhelmed' feeling that is my anxiety. Later on, as I thought about it, I found a fairly accurate way to explain how I felt. I felt like I was drowning. As I talked to her, it sort of felt like my feet were sinking into the ground, like a bad dream where you can't easily control where you are going. I felt like nothing I said made any sense. And I was overwhelmed with a thousand thoughts - noise. At the same time I was trying to walk, talk, and keep an eye on 3 kids running 3 different directions. This wouldn't be so hard, but with the added difficulty of just being out in public with many people around and trying to talk to someone I'm not really familiar with just makes me feel like I'm drowning; out of control. I just can't explain it any better than that. I could share so much more, as with anything in life there are many different aspects to this, but summing it up with the drowning feeling is the simplest way.
My key verse in life is from John 8:36: "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." I know that through the power of Jesus, his strength, love and comfort, I can have freedom from my anxiety. How? Well, it is really a case by case sort of thing. First of all, keep in mind Hebrews 11:1: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And a little later in the same chapter, verse 13: All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. I have God's promise of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ. There is an eternal reward that I am looking forward to, but there are also promises for this life. Keeping this in mind, and with my new way of being able to describe my anxiety I found myself thinking that there must be a water reference that I could cling to that would give me strength for the day -each and every day I feel this way. Now that I'm typing this I am laughing because there are more water references in the Bible than you can shake a stick at. But what occurred to me was the lesson I had just taught my Sunday School girls recently.
We were in Matthew 14:22-33. Raise your hand if you know this one: Jesus Walks on the Water :) Imagine that! Instead of drowning in my anxiety I can rise above it and walk all over it!!! When I cry out in fear, Jesus says, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." (verse27) When he said "it is I" it was like so often in the Old Testament where God says "I am". There isn't anything else to say. Jesus is the Alpha, the Omega, the beginning and the end. He was here in the beginning and through him all things were made (see John 1). He is in control when I can't be.
You know what else I found interesting and comforting in those verses? Peter was out there on the water with Jesus and he still started sinking. You ever have those days? I do. I know Jesus is with me, but it's not like he's physically standing right there (yet ;) ). But if Peter can reach out and touch Jesus and still have moments of doubt, then those sinking days for me will be so much easier because I am not alone. And Jesus didn't go anywhere. So, I just have to refocus on him, and there I am, strolling on the water. Truly, He is the Son of God.
You see, I struggle with anxiety and OCD. Not a crazy lot, but enough to really effect my life at times. Since these are things I've always struggled with it can be hard to recognize or even put into words. It's even harder to imagine that people often don't feel some of the same things I do.
Last week I was talking to an acquaintance at Corban's t-ball game and had the usual 'overwhelmed' feeling that is my anxiety. Later on, as I thought about it, I found a fairly accurate way to explain how I felt. I felt like I was drowning. As I talked to her, it sort of felt like my feet were sinking into the ground, like a bad dream where you can't easily control where you are going. I felt like nothing I said made any sense. And I was overwhelmed with a thousand thoughts - noise. At the same time I was trying to walk, talk, and keep an eye on 3 kids running 3 different directions. This wouldn't be so hard, but with the added difficulty of just being out in public with many people around and trying to talk to someone I'm not really familiar with just makes me feel like I'm drowning; out of control. I just can't explain it any better than that. I could share so much more, as with anything in life there are many different aspects to this, but summing it up with the drowning feeling is the simplest way.
My key verse in life is from John 8:36: "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." I know that through the power of Jesus, his strength, love and comfort, I can have freedom from my anxiety. How? Well, it is really a case by case sort of thing. First of all, keep in mind Hebrews 11:1: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And a little later in the same chapter, verse 13: All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. I have God's promise of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ. There is an eternal reward that I am looking forward to, but there are also promises for this life. Keeping this in mind, and with my new way of being able to describe my anxiety I found myself thinking that there must be a water reference that I could cling to that would give me strength for the day -each and every day I feel this way. Now that I'm typing this I am laughing because there are more water references in the Bible than you can shake a stick at. But what occurred to me was the lesson I had just taught my Sunday School girls recently.
We were in Matthew 14:22-33. Raise your hand if you know this one: Jesus Walks on the Water :) Imagine that! Instead of drowning in my anxiety I can rise above it and walk all over it!!! When I cry out in fear, Jesus says, "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." (verse27) When he said "it is I" it was like so often in the Old Testament where God says "I am". There isn't anything else to say. Jesus is the Alpha, the Omega, the beginning and the end. He was here in the beginning and through him all things were made (see John 1). He is in control when I can't be.
You know what else I found interesting and comforting in those verses? Peter was out there on the water with Jesus and he still started sinking. You ever have those days? I do. I know Jesus is with me, but it's not like he's physically standing right there (yet ;) ). But if Peter can reach out and touch Jesus and still have moments of doubt, then those sinking days for me will be so much easier because I am not alone. And Jesus didn't go anywhere. So, I just have to refocus on him, and there I am, strolling on the water. Truly, He is the Son of God.
Thanks for sharing from your heart, it's not easy to show our real selves sometimes. I love how you use the water illustration, I use that one too. Even farther on that thot, I think about when Peter or me take our eyes off of Jesus, that's when we start to sink. The minute our focus is back on Him, whoosh, back up we go.You are a wonderful mom and wife, you have so much beauty and passion inside you!The love you express for your family is very inspiring!!
ReplyDeleteCheryl, I'm a friend of Amy's and saw the title of your post on her list of blogs she follows.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words today. Also a struggle for me at times, anxiety can be SO overwhelming! Here's a verse that I cling to. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I Peter 5:7 May you feel the peace of God today and always.
I think a friend of mine deals with this same kind of a thing! She has tried to describe it to me. I can't imagine it and I really do feel for you. How awesome that you have been able to find scriptures to help you through this anxiety. I had goosebumps with you walking on water and Jesus being right there! :) Beautiful picture to plant in your mind.
ReplyDeleteBTW: I hope you got my email of our Family Update. I forgot about your change in email address. I hope I got it right.
Cheryl, you are amazing and I can't even begin to imagine the overwhelming feeling. You inspire me though how much you follow Christ and stand on what the bible tells you. You are so amazing and I am blessed to have you as a sister :) I will pray with you and we can stand together on what the bible says that you can be free indeed!! Can't wait to see you and the family!
ReplyDelete